there are a million and one questions that have been racing through my mind. but this time, the answers no longer interests me. i believe now. when darkness is light. and light is dark. i realise all the vague answers from one have very clear meanings now. i do not know whether i was once considered rather naive. until now, i believe i still am a very gullible person. time and time again, i am always confident of my strong and independent self but collapse at the hands of another heartbreak whether friendship or love. alas, i conclude i am only the failure of such faculties and perhaps should shunned away from it. but god is kind. it makes me learn. even though i have to take the harder route.


i've found stability. and now i stand up proudly to tell the world "i've found a good man"


[just today]


dear diary,
hmm been MIA for some time. life can be so pretty sometimes. well..many ups and downs in life but glad to say everything is great these days except for studies perhaps? i've been thinking and thinking. all i can think of is a happy future with him. it may sound like so immature like i'm such a little girl so naive. but i'm not really love sick until i am so insensible to make such a comment. i know u can never be sure whether he is mr right. he is for now. how abt 10 yrs later. i know anything may happen. differences etc. but right now. i'm really so happy... such happiness is so sweet, it makes me wanna cry. it seems like such happiness and joy only exist in fantasies and not reality but now i dont really care/ i just wanna indulge in it.


asides from love. i'm missing school like forever. g.p exam and lit test on friday. tml mugging for the papers. and 28,29,30 May i'm off to msia. i cant wait!! and so sweet to go with ah yang on our 7mths. i hope i get a surprise. hmm no. i mean i want a surprise. lol. give me one! a big big big big one.

2nd week for june- i 'm going to pia for my exams. i will get that A.

jo is so lucky in love. hah. send out red invitations to her 6mths anni cum bday celebration. so sweet.. :) all couples attending it. machiam vday.
poor qi..sending her bf off to ns soon. no more chauffer :P better get use to the bus rides!
kel being pampered by her bf as usual. little princess sia.


soooooo happy today!
best quote of the day : "Give in today, forget the arguement tomorrow"



what i learnt in lit class today... (truly upsets me)
whats wrong with the people in this world? they still exist in this world...evilness in all...

the horrible thing.

(copyright frm wenqi's blog -)
Marquis De Sade-
Its disgusting how some people turn out in this world. Especially men. They get all the funny ideas regarding all aspects. Essentially sex. Marquis De Sade. The originator of the word 'sadist'. He fantasizes about torturing women while having sex with them. Cutting of tongues while doing blowjobs. Digging hole in belly button and then ejaculating in the wound. Ting asked why did God made people like that? God is just like anyone of us i guess. Just that he's smarter and wiser. He makes mistakes too. Judging from the way the world's turning out to be, God's really working much less diligently than before. Or was just an elaborate way of destroying the race he created?

my point: yes i qns.why. why god create such a person? why dont all these evil people get punish? why dont they just go to hell. why dont they get tortured since they love to torture women? why do all these innocent ppl have to suffer. i qns. and i qns. i am really really lucky i wasnt born during that time. such chaos. such injustice. such evil ppl. perhaps they still do exist in our world now.


so many things have been going on in life. i cant update much since everything have become all past and to recount base on my memory. better not. i've been forgetting things lately. but thanks to wenqi, she's been ard telling me what i've left behind. today - left a jacket in class. then left my file in toilet. the other day- left my wallet on the table. left my book in the other classroom. left my book in my bro's room. left my jacket in yang's house.


i'm young right. why is my memory so poor. is it bcos of the lack of sleep. or the day dream thingy going on in my mind. i'm not listening to ppl much already. i tried. but what others tell me i can remember clearly in my mind. i am listening even though i seems distracted. speak out and i know. tell me and i care.


the one great thing or not consider "great" is literature. i can say i learnt more abt life each and every day of my lessons. much more than the other common people. the idea of education in jc and poly and ite. i guess in jc - many other ppl think we are leading a boring life in school. all we do is study study study. but not the practical stuff. to a certain extent yes. but. for me, as an arts student. i think literature and g.p have been one of the greatest subjects in my life. they teach abt social issues. abt people. abt humanity. abt why how what is going on in life. they educated. they make us think. just like lit teach us abt our human identity that each of us is unique and embodied as a whole but our human identity could be so fragile that anytime we might lose it. and g.p taught me abt all the sufferings that goes on in the other parts of the world since time immemorial.
whereas i believe poly is good too. for learning how to cope with the working lifestyle. and ite ppl learning all the mechanical stuff. different insitutions instill different kind of education. that forms different types of thinking in people. is not abt whether we are much clever than the others. ask me to do a sum from an ite text book, i might not be able to do so either. is bcos' the education that is given to us is all different.


i love school. but really i hate the stress that is piling on me now. i've been having too many nightmares due to the no. of gothic stories that i've been reading nowadays. tml is quote test.. pray that i pass plz!


suddenly this night. i kept thinkin of jocelyn not that i am what what. i just dont know. maybe i miss her? is like..you go to school you see your classmate someone closer to you everyday you know her moves and everything. then suddenly you seems to have no idea of how she is. and one day she came back looking so tired and everything.sigh. so many problems on her side. kept wondering if she's okay etc..
life so fragile. lois left school. i feel like giving up too. well finally she made her choice. perhaps is better for her. since she like miss school for more than half a year. everyone's going on a different path. everyone so busy with their liife.
school so tough. i am so sick of it. the terrible terrible school
i'm freaking stress myself up abt everything.
why cant i just break away from it.


pray to god. everything will be just fine.
everyone will be safe and sound.
everyone will be spiritually good. i hope so :)


i smiled.
finally.

love...is...great


i cant help feeling this way.
shut me away.
i feeling sucky all sick and everything
just like last night. rolling in bed
my stomach hurts. my eyes with tears
i need something but its not love
i need myself now. i need me. please..


there's a grip on my heart. a painful grip.
i dont know how. i dont know why.
nothing matters.
it seems so dark there's no light
i hate it.
i walk to nowhere. neverending dream
i search for nothing
i need nothing at all
i feel so cold.. so icy cold.. my finger tips froze like snow
i yearn for nothing. hope for none.
my tears are chalk. and my lies are dust.
i wanna go away.
to nobody's place.

just leave me as who i am. perhaps..so better this way.....


i' watched "jessica" on hallmark today. i cried for 3 whole hours. the show was really sad..so sad.. that i dont know how to describe it. touching show.
so i bought a pair of pink trail slippers finally dad bought for me yay! but still i want my elle slippers if i could get it.yang's out watchin kingdom of heavens..and here i am blogging away on a rainy night. chatting away on msn. just finished doing my sums. i hope i dont flunk maths. cross my fingers! plz dont flunk any subjects. hope i do well for g.p please!


i wanna be a ...

1)a good friend. i havent been a good friend lately maybe becos i am not keepin in touch with my pals. why? i am so tired and busy with my school and love life that i did not live any space for catching up with friends. i miss i miss everyone of them. maybe i'm getting closer to school friends. but i still miss my old pals.. sigh.


2)a good girlfriend. basically i think i fulfill that for now. i hope i can keep my temper light and good now. no more scoldings and quarells. no more shouting and tears. trust and love. and everything sugar and spice and everything nice ^_^


3)a good daughter. i called mom today told her i'm all alone at home. tell her i am lonely. so bad right. i've been going out everyday except today and here i am telling her to accompany me when she is out having veg buffet with ahma. :( bleah i am all alone. luckily kor at home but then he also never acc me much. boRed but not lonely. i acc dad for breakfast help him carry stuff and talk to him. :)


4)a good sibling. i bought "tou hui" for my kor today. i cycle to serangoon garden pack two bowls of beancurd and cycle home. bumpy ride. the beancurd was smash and my kor ask me why. and i just said cycle ma. so okay. the beancurd not as nice. the auntie was stingy on the syrup. hmm. i've been a good sis cos i lent jie 20 bucks. and i ate lunch with her and i called her too today :) and for da jie. i'm drifting away frm her. every word she says is irritating. but i dont really hate her ba.


5)a good student. i did my hw abit. i guess thats all. i'm still late for school i'm still not studying real hard. i'm still thinkin of holiday when exams is so near already. sigh!

6)a good pet owner. i love them and everyday is with them yeap! love miu miu,ger ger,ebby and corgi. love them to bits.


i saw this somewhere and i couldnt help copy it and post it on my blog. i guess it just describe someone who would try and decipher the codes in my heart. i'm not feeling sad but i guess such a person lies in everyone's soul. we may not understand each and everyone. what we conceal and what we hide. we only see the surface but not the depth. we only look upon a beautiful mask but not the ugly interior. but why dont we trust and give it all out. perhaps there will be one person who is willing to listen and care. i sure this goes all out to anyone. esp wq if ur reading this. u know i read ur mind just like u read mine :) cheer up plz.


Ive told you before, but Ill tell you again,
I dont want the rainbow, If hidden is rain.
I dont want the smiles, If hidden are
cries
I just want the truth, instead of your lies.

Dont say that youre fine, when really
youre not,
Dont give me laughter, If pains what
youve got.
Dont keep it all hidden, when you want
it to show,
Dont pretend youre okay, when you
want to let go.

I dont want the title, like everyone
before,
Of not having strength, to handle each
flaw,
I dont want to be like, people youve
known,
When you are in pain but smiles must
be shown.

Dont tell me youre coping; Its deep in
your eyes.
Dont say you wont cry, If you know it
may be lies.
Dont act like youre happy, If you know
youre sad,
Dont give the impression, youre not
feeling bad.

I dont want to be normal, not like the
rest,
Who gave up on you, and hurt you the
best.
I dont want to be a sheep, try and
conform,
I'll be the rainbow, that shines through
the storm.


cant help smiling at what happened last night..
an unforgettable birthday for my sweet yang..
lol.. :) glad that my plan went well.........................
Happy 20th Birthday Boy! ^_^
i'm tired.. go and sleep again-


is "weeeeeee" thats how i feel when i went cycling. i feel the wind i feel it taking me to another place. sigh-

i'm shagged..wahah hmm.. i barely have enough sleep each day. the amt of exercise i'm doing is so damm much. hmm. i reach home today slept only 30mins still snugggling in bed when i saw yang's face. ok. i couldnt fall asleep already. we went cycling to amk. reach there got his hair cut. hee damm cute. :) first we thought let the guy cut but in the end wat luck got the auntie to cut his hair but end up better than we thought. yang bought me a bottle of perfume "mirage" not a branded just something to use for the moment. and some ear rings. we share the same earrings now. couple ear rings. haa. hate him wearing ear studs but nvm i think he look nice not bad just dont look beng can le :) so then we cycle back to my house i clean my room then cycle to his house and eat dinner and cycle back to my house..weee.. and here i am typing this very very tired blog..

i'm going to be studying hard. think i wont make it for g.p paper. i totally sucks. but forget it. i will still try my best to do well for the common testssss at least for other subjects.
one happy thing : i lost weights! but not visible but at least i FEEEL it. i FEel hEalthiER! lighter! Prettier! the fEEL!
:)got to pack my clothes gone-


i'm hard up for cash. i'm so damm broke. that... by the end of the day i was searchin thru my bag for at least some coins for a drink. starhub been reminding me abt my 150 bucks bill again and again! ya going to cut off my line yucky. at bugis today doing flag day with alina,jac,ling and yun. damm fun had a great time shopping ard. i found so many things that i would love to buy for him. heh heh.. surprise right? i'm not buying for myself ok. got something for him. and finally borrowed a little from here n there to get the butterfly watch. yang sms me say he'll buy for me. but i dont want. hmmpx i want to buy it myself. then borrow some money again to buy myself lunch. omg i'm in debts here n there boo! :( my bank a/c can be officially consider zero later after payin abit for my hp bill.


i'm so excited.i saw so many things like i never gone out to town for so many millions years. the sunglasses, tee shirts and watches are so nicee! esp when out with a crowd lots of different opinions and fun. alina got herself 2 sunglasses ahh damm cool. haha..so did jac got herself one pinkreddish one. sigh! i fell in love with one...but..ai..forget it la. not at such a time to spend money. i need to save up for the trip!


eh..something very terrible happened this morning. the magic bean which i've planted for more than a week have grown into a beautiful cute plant starting to sprout with the words "you are special" last night. the next morning i couldnt find my plant except it has commited sucide fell off the window edge bam* the plant split into two parts. i got so upset! i've planted it with love specially as one of the bday gift for yang as a nice surpise. not really surprise. but i really water it carefulyl every morning it was really cute. sighhhh!! so sucks. but nvm.. hmmmm...so heartpain!


flag day was soooo tired. fell asleep at the bk even though it was sooooo noisy. my face slammed on the bag i fell into such a deep sleep that i started drooling! i was soo tired. 8 hrs of flag day, my god. i wont ever want to do flag day again. need to rest now... waitin for him..


woah the alarm rang so loud this morning it made me jump out of bed! i was drooling. dreaming away... but i still have to leave home at 7a.m. went yang house to sleep first then watch our sponge bob vcd and finally eat our "shang hai noodle". what a luxury! Mr JJ called my house this morning nearly landed me in trouble. went sch for listening then went suntec with yang. decided to stop at lavender(goldenmile) go beach road there to check out the prices of the tour agency first. very happily we found alot of package tourS! then we go beach road and have our usual food. my fav tang yuan! and the western food there is really cheap and good. we really saving money now :) so nice. haha... but we had alot la. ate fried rice with steak and he had chicken cutlet with fried rice. total cost is 6.50! damm cheap. good food and everything ^_^

went suntec shopping but seriously i dont have any money at all! and i really dont want him to spend too much on me either. so waited for my sis then went to see the exhibition of the tours upstairs. in the end we finally settle for the best package which is 3 days 2 nights to sunway lagoon and kL! woah.. we are going on our honey moon trip haha. i cant wait! sigh.. i'm having so much fun already.
reached home. changed. went cycling. headed to gardens for our soya bean curd and coconut drink. had jap rice for dinner. woah.. i think the people all know us as the sweetest "fittest" couple already. even my bro also call us the "shou shen nan nui" haha.. hope we really can slim down abit. hmmm.. but anyway keeping fit saving money and everything is good.

AI...wenqi having a pretty bad time now. quite worried abt her. hope everything is alright!!! tried calling her but ended up her mum questioning me abt everything of her guy. what can i say? sigh.

i miss so many people. cant help thinkin abt them. whats life over there. let's hope i can catch up with old pals during hols. i need them. i miss them. need a hug. from them. tml flag day. got to rest early. going shopping with them! ^_^


dear diary
i'm sick. a little. but i think life is great with him around. i do not want to sound as if my life revolves around love. but love is a great thing isnt it. it brightens ur day. like u wake up " love yourself hard today " . be it single or attached. u can still love. i am improving i guess. but i do not want to say it too early. i really hope i can cool down my temper. be a better person. smile to him and show all my love and care towards him and others.

today, went for treatment again. painful. yes. very. sigh. when will it be over. i'm stuck with this virus. yucky.i dont like the hospital any one bit. i wish to be out of it. and the cost of treatment, even though i'm not paying it now. i know is still costly and any time i will have to handle it and. ya my bank account shout "empty"

wasnt feeling really well this whole day. slept at yang's place. woke up ate what his mum's cook. then headed down home get change went cycling went to see cal then go back to the circles drank and ate. reach home. glue n repair my shoes. bring ger out. reach home again. send him off.

thats practically what i did for the rest of my time after schlin. life just couldnt get any better. my life. is colour.


i went school today only for pe! :( yang went late for school so he can send me there :) the ride seems shorter when with him. lalaa...
i only went for pe. what a waste of time i should have just gone straight to shopping. i didnt really decided to pon everything until the last minute headed down to town. i already prepared maths and some lit tutorials. but school doesnt seem interesting and i really need to head town for some stuff.


i got what i need and some unnecessary stuff like.. two body scrubs (cucumber and honey and oats i think), one loreal hair conditioner. i love true star, gucci envy me and escada island kiss. check out the price of estee lauder pleasure. didnt know it was so expensive..but haix. cant buy any perfume. i'm broke.
i can officially declare that i left 47 bucks in my bank acc minus the hp bill unpaid 54. which means i'm left with bank overdraft of $7. damm!


i'm really stressed up. yang's birthday next friday and everything seems to crash in. i seem so tired and busy. i dont know whether he'll love the gifts i prepared for him anot.

today's a very good day. good time shopping ard with wenqi too bad she have to leave early~ boo! luckily yang can come down in time to accompany me. haha.. now i feel so lucky all the time to be in his arms. he's so GREAT! lol... ed was saying yang look cute in the blog's pic.. then i say" i also feel the same way..my bf wat..good taste" haha.. self praise. who cares. i love him. i love myself. i love everybody. be nice ! ^_^


i had loads of fun yesterday. even though i'm really tired! :)
i couldnt even rest well at home bcos of the noise that everyone is producing at the same time. so i stop lying on my bed washed up and dressed up prettily to meet my darling at his house. ate dinner at his place then ended up going to steal mangos at the bus stop there. the weapon we bring is only one "teck ko".. haha really funny the whole scene; one kid (11 yrs old), one teenage girl (18) and one old boy (19+)
erm hmm.. hitting the tree in the rain and picking up mangos. some ppl even help us pick lol. hahaha.. i had lots and lots of fun and laughters.

then we went out to amk to buy some stuff. yang finally got the tv bracket to hang up the tv up the wall.i bought a glue for my shoes and an umbrella striking pink. walk walk then we went home. change clothes and went cycling! cos we bought the bicycle pump to pump the bike. we were already sweating like hell even before we cycle.haha.. hmm. i sat the back. and he cycle but then the bicycle was too short for him,in the end i cycle him. so we took turns and kept falling here n there. it took us an hr to reach the another mango tree. unfortunately i encounter bats, frog, rats, lizard..what a day! but i feel the most "tian mi mi" ride ever. hugging his sweaty body and we were both exhausted..haha not ROMANTIC at all :P but i love him so much !! haa.. so wonderful day..hmmm'



DSCN2842
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

papa is officially 54 years old! happy birthdae to papa!!! :)z
cut this cake this morning. hmm suppose to be last night but nvm.. he very unwillingly cut cake. but he seems happy and shy ^_^
the cake is niceee coco exotic from four leaves.. yummy!!!

DSCN2839
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

`our first couple tee.. from samuel and kevins. $18 + $18 = $36 for this kind of shirt.. dont know worth it anot. but i like the colour.. i guess ^_^

Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

before going home, must take pic cos we both dressed up..haha.. dressed up so nice to steal mangos.. hmmm :)z

Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

trials give you strength, sorrows give understanding and wisdom.. - by kwl.
a quote that pop out in my chat window. some person who i have no idea who he is. and probably inspired by my msn nick. so he left me this statement.. hmmm

i cant even sleep late during weekends. i couldnt sleep well in the week days already, why cant they give me a break. perhaps they love me so much that they have to pull me out of bed, scold me in the early morning. ouch- the sun too bright. let me snuggle back into my comforting blankets..sigh..


i started my maths tutorial obviously i'm stuck in the exact same qns since yest. i cant do my work under this kind of environment. ma,jie,kor,pa,aunt all talking ever so loudly. ahhhh.. i scream shut up and slammed the door. no wonder i couldnt pass any tests.. EEek..
come on i need to work hard.. come on hui ting.. come on.. mental block again. sigh.
i cant wait to see him for dinner. i cant wait to go out for shopping.. hmm... see- day dreaming again. i love this template i spend the whole of the prev nights doing it. and i'm quite contented with it. i am happy. even though these days might be really bad but i'm smiling through it! See .. One bIg SMilE :)))))

what flavor pocky are you?